As a little girl, I dwelt in the goodness of God, and between Him and me, there is a shimmering joy and magic I will never get over.  In my deepest parts, I know His goodness, and in His glorious hope, I remain.   Yet, life is so incredibly hard this side of heaven sometimes, and it so often wrecks me.  Gradually, we awaken to the reality of the darkness that walks so heavily and intimately beside us, too.
     Because of the Fall, the broken in our world and ourselves travels with us as we walk with Him.  In this melding of His sovereignty and the free will of humanity, I both wrestle with and wait upon Him.  
      There is a song we sing at church that reminds me of these questions.  It is one of my favorite, modern worship songs, and it is called, “Goodness Of God.”  Its words truly bring me into beholding, rejoicing in, and remembering the unending goodness of our God.  But, when I sing it, I also remember those who are singing after they have lost a spouse, child, friend, or are in the midst of serious health and/or life battles.  Remembering that they are singing of His goodness while carrying trauma, loss, and struggle has been such a call to me in my own.
      Psalm 23 has become a blessed rope I hold onto amidst these questions.  It considers and acknowledges the dark we battle so fiercely, yet it calls us to rest, to hold onto His Presence, and to a feast before our enemies as we do.  These callings both shake me to my core and reduce me to a puddle of awe and relief.
      I haven’t mined every good gift in this Psalm, but here are a few God is using to shape me...
     His Rest—God will give us rest.  What goodness, what stunning goodness this promise is.  Somehow, He will provide it. Psalm 23:2— “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.”  Sometimes, He will make us rest, sometimes He will lead us to it.  May we not resist Him but drink in such ministry from Him— for He longs to “restore” our souls (Ps. 23:3). 
    His Presence—He will be near in every moment and reality we face, even in the shadows and valleys of death.  Ps. 23:4— “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.”  We will struggle and face agony, but we will not be alone.  He will never abandon us-- ever, ever, ever….ever.
      His Feast—Despite all, He will provide a table for us to feast amidst our enemies. Ps. 23:5- “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.”  God will anoint us, bless us, fill us up, provide a place of respite for us in the very midst of evil in our lives.  How can that be?!!  I do not know, but it is.  It is, and this goodness we will witness in the midst of those who long for our downfall-- especially our biggest enemy, the evil one-- will carry us in such struggle.
     I want to remember these truths and pray them over others as we face the dark.  For those I sing with in spirit and faith through heartbreak, loss, and desolation— I pray, lament, mourn and pray some more for them to rest in Him, know His Presence, and to find a table of refreshing in their darkest places.  Moreover, in the last verse in this Psalm, God promises that “surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (6).  My prayer is for His goodness and mercy to fall upon them in these most desperate and desert places.  As He promised Israel through the prophet Isaiah (43:19)— “I will make a way in the wilderness.”  I pray for God to make such a way in the desolate wilderness, as only He can do- thank You, Jesus, for the cross and empty tomb!
     And, in my darkest places, I am finding the goodness He promises in these words, too.  He promised it for every day of our lives as verse 6 promises.  Even in the dark, He is there with us.  It can be such a costly discovery because the pains are deep, but I continue to see Him lead me, even in my fledgling and weak faith, to a table laden with a feast in the very Presence of God.  For, He is our Manna and the Water from which we will never thirst. Hallelujah!!
     May we find the goodness of God covering us in every way and in every abundance and sorrow, the very Presence of our God in our midst. And, may we be found praising His goodness to us, especially for the gift of His Son- the Redeemer of every moment and season of our lives.
 

It has been awhile since I have written.  When Covid first hit, I had to retreat to handle what was happening.  Then, we bought a house, renovated that house, and moved during the week of Easter.  After all that, we eventually sold our other house, which was also stressful.  Then, there was the stress of our world and society.  All of that, and I just had to take a big Sabbath to survive. 

It is now time to leave my cocoon.  While I Sabbathed and was quiet, I learned a lot.  God grew, challenged, and met me, yet some crevices in my soul that had been there got worse and bigger.  Still, some of those broken places, He wove over with His grace and filled me up with His Living Water.  I am both broken and whole, a reminder of His continual grace and the grace that is to come.

There is no denying how very hard this time has been and often continues to be.  Watching the pain of actual death for some, sickness for others, loss of jobs, school children bereft of friendship and learning, people scared and incredulous, rancor in the streets, families split because of opinions, and so on, has been one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced.  I know this experience is not unique to me-- it has been a lot for us all.

In this broken, I have waged my own war-- one of fear, rage, submission, and hope.  As a germaphobe, I have written previously (see here-- worry-hard-fought-faith-and-coronavirus.html) about how hard a pandemic is for me on a very basic level.  But, the emotional stress of it all has been more than I could anticipate.  I have been afraid for myself, my family, and all I love. I have been judged, and I have judged others.   I have been frustrated by my viewpoints and the differing ones of others.  I have sought Him and left it there and then taken it all back again.  And, I have learned that He is my Rock in ways I never knew I needed. 

Yet, through it all, I have felt called to carry space for all I encounter to breathe, to be who they truly are. These fraught times have taught me how much discipline it takes to let someone else be safe with me, even if I disagree with them about a certain issue.  In so doing, I have found some precious friends who have done the same for me, even while knowing we deeply disagree in our perspectives. 

It is simply hard work to love this way; it is bloody, Cross-work.  It is some of the hardest work I have ever done. 

Humility is a bitter pill to swallow, and most in our culture do not cultivate its fruit. I am first in need to lay my own self down in these ways.  But, when we do, when we do, pathways of freedom and grace begin to form.  Love begets love, humility slays pride, and peace covers fear.

A beautiful lesson I have learned in this is regarding motives.  When all of this began, I think I would rush to wonder about someone’s motives if their views were different than mine.  In that, I judged.  Over time, God has revealed that I always must trust people’s hearts that I know, just like I want them to do so for me when I make them wonder.  It has been one of my biggest gifts in this season.

Can you imagine what our world would be like if we gave each other the benefit of the doubt—that just because we disagree does not change one iota the depth of the other’s love, character, integrity?

​So, how humble are you and I?  How safe are we for our friends?  Can they be real with us, or do they have to hide their real thoughts because they know we can’t handle them?

​I invite you to take up the cross of humility with me.  This does not mean our opinions will change nor that we won’t share them at appropriate times, but may we do so with our souls prostrate before Him.  Let us be humble together, for we follow a Savior that was humble enough to submit to death on a cross for us.  May we, too, take up our cross and follow Him.

        So, ever since I was a little girl, I have been afraid of death.  I just remember being eerily aware of the danger of the world ever since I was very young.  This was not due to my childhood. I had a wonderful family and still do.  That I am even somewhat normal is due to them, I know, because God loved me so well through them. 
         My Mom has told me stories about my desire to wash my hands until they were raw because of germs.  How I knew about germs, I am not sure, but I picked it up along the way.  Also, I lived in a small town, and that smallness connects you with death because you are close to everyone.  We had our fair share of deaths, and I was close to most who passed.  Life circumstances and my innate fears seemed to whisper to me from the beginning.  Worry became a companion on my journey.
         In short, the prospect of death and its eventual imminence is something I think about, am cognizant of, and can worry about it (if I let myself) daily.
         So, enter the Coronavirus now-- you can imagine my level of crazy on the inside.  Oh my!  I just got back from Disneyland a few weeks ago and wore gloves during the rides the entire time I was there.  Yes, I was “that girl” because that was the only way I was able to get through it and enjoy myself and not make those around me miserable (at least, I hope)!
         As this pandemic closes in around the world, our country, and me, I am saddened, horrified, and, often, terrified.  All my fellow germaphobes are shouting out with me right now, and those who are anxious about such things understand my worry.
         Yet, despite all this crazy found in me and around me, God has placed a joy in Him that never goes away either.  This joy bubbles up and my face is smiling now even as I write it.  Nehemiah said that “the joy of the Lord is your strength,” (8:10) and that is a testimony that I give.  The delight I find in Him-- in worship, song, being His vessel where He calls me, in walking with Him—is truly breathtaking.  When He whooshes through me with His Holy Fire, I am undone and able to stand breathlessly in Him.
      In the midst of this see-sawing fear and joy is the battle for my faith over fear.  I face it daily and sometimes minutely.  I fight ferociously.  Despite my many frailties and doubts, I cannot deny the One who has called me by name, made me His own by His blood.  I love Him forever.  Still, how that fleshes out is hard for those of us who struggle in the grip of fear.  The difficulty of this battle is worth it, though.
         This is how I fight. 
         First, I go to His Word.  It is a daily source of renewal and adjustment. Often the lies from the world and the Evil One behind those filter through me throughout the day.  When I reorient myself and my mind in the Word, I am pulled near, restored, corrected.  There is no other washing that I need so much than that of the Word (Eph. 5:25).  I also daily swim in the Psalms—I immerse myself in them as if they are my oxygen.  For, as Jesus declared to the Evil One in Matt. 4:4, “… ‘It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
         Second, I spend time alone with Jesus.  Often, I visualize putting my worries in boxes and giving them to our Lord to handle.  I, also, imagine myself being held by Him and crawling up in His lap because that is truly what I need from Him.  Leaning into Him in these ways and through worship and the Word are so vital to my faith.  Like David says in Ps. 27:4-5, may I just be in Your Presence, then I will be okay! (My translation!)
Third, I have sounding boards that are wise.  I go to counseling regularly to process my life, and this helps me manage my anxiety. I have found it so helpful to process with someone else, to clarify, and to be present in this way.  Not only that, I have relationships with my family, friends, and husband that keep me grounded.  They provide perspective when I may be going a bit too far because of my fears.
         Fourth, I am part of the Body of Christ.  Though we cannot gather currently, the many years of gathering together still infuse my dry bones with life!  And, the Body is not bound by the church’s walls, thankfully, and we are still finding ways to connect and walk through this together.  I cannot tell you how much I love being a part of His Body!  Drawing strength from one another, leaning on others’ shining faith when I’m faltering, coming together in our frailties at the Cross of Christ—it is a joy like no other. 
       Fifth, I look to the Gospel and the Cross.  In these trying times of a new pandemic (my absolute worst germaphobe nightmare!), it has taken me a bit to reorient myself here.  Because of my struggles, I have been in survival mode while taking this all in.  I am slowly looking to His hand at work here and seeing where He is moving.  I know He hates evil and the sadness of sickness, for Eden was our true home and to Eden we are headed again.  But, even in the darkest of moments, He is near and is redeeming through it. I see Him when I see others praying, giving, carrying their crosses, and serving through these harrowing times.  My hope is that many awaken to Him, too, for when we face evil, much is clarified for us—what really matters and what does not.
         Sixth, I believe that God’s blood can cover my weaknesses.  I fail often in so many areas, but in this one, I am an epic failure.  I will never forget when I first read that worry was a sin!  Yet, there is nothing like abject weakness to remind us of our need for a Savior.  And, in this truth, I give myself grace.  This world is hard for natures like mine—sometimes I feel as if I cannot handle the evil that exists here in my own soul and in the world.  And, I know I am not alone-- if that is you, I see you and am with you in spirit.  Yet, on the opposite side, some of you are just like, “We got this. God is big enough for this. I’m not afraid.”  I LOVE that, but it is not what first comes to my mind at this moment even though I believe God is big enough, too.  Yet, still, God has called me His own and will get me to say that over time, even if mine is a quiet whisper next to someone’s roar.  Honestly, I have felt Him telling me that He knows what it costs me even to get there—our costly faith pleases Him as we take up our crosses even when we don’t want to.  Jesus shares in Luke 9:23—“And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.’”  And, for my fearless friends, whatever their weakness, He knows what it costs them to have faith in other areas.
        Lastly, I pray and reach out where I can.  Prayer keeps me connected to my Abba Father, for without this connection, I will always falter.  It also lets me love my neighbors so powerfully.  Prayer is a work I can do for anyone at anytime; it is such a wonderful way to love someone tangibly.  I also pray against the Evil One and that he would be stopped in his effort to hurt humanity, for he hates those who bear God’s image.  We must battle him through prayer.  Prayer is the most effective weapon we have in our fight for faith, for others, and against fear.  Ephesians 6:12, 18—“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms….. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”  May we be found on our knees more and more.
         So, wherever you are on the worry/anxiety scale, I encourage you to fight with me in the struggle against fear and worry.  It is okay to feel your feelings, but we must preach ourselves the Truth, too.  God is faithful and will be with us.  And, if you are reading this and are not a follower of Jesus, I invite you to follow Him today.  Just believe.  John 3:16—“ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”  If you became His disciple right now, please contact me anytime, and I will help as you move forward in faith.
         Love and peace to you all from this weak, broken, needy, sinner sister who is strong, healed, upheld, and redeemed because of her Lord Jesus! 
 
 

 

         Story is something I just cannot seem to live without.  I just recently finished binge-watching my favorite spy show.  I love it to the point that its characters often become like fictional friends.  This happens for me when I read books, too.  I am currently rereading the Anne Of Green Gables series right now, and I am visiting old friends as I do. I have missed them and the bewitching beauty of L.M. Montgomery’s prose.
         This preoccupation with story may seem odd to many and familiar to others.  All I know is that life can be very difficult this side of heaven, but story helps.  It helps me remember that Good will one day triumph over Evil, even though I have moments of doubt and fear.  Story reminds me that there is a future Eden coming, too, and that I am not fully home yet.  Ultimately, God’s gift of story reminds me of the fullness of Him.
         As I walk softly on this earth, the weight of evil, the power of free will, and the kingdom of darkness that is at work here can weigh me down in ways in which there are no sufficient words to describe.  Walking with questions to God about Job-like friends and circumstances, seeing the sicknesses that plunder many of daily life and sometimes actual life, hearing of stories that speak of hard, unspeakable things, aching with the sinful flesh I inhabit—these all are the often wordless burdens of suffering we carry.  In our losses and weaknesses, we are left with the Spirit’s groans.  “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” (Romans 8:26)
        One of God’s answers to us in these times is the gift of story.  All story in its best moments and hopes are pointing us to Him.  Stories are told with words, images, and sound, and I have found all mediums of His mercy through story to be so healing.
          So, I watch, listen, read, and wonder. 
         I watch gritty shows where there is fallout because I live with that fallout daily.  Seeing the hard is tough, but it also lets me know I’m not crazy.  Much uncertainty and darkness does live in our existence.  But, the best realistic visions still have a remnant of Good triumphing to some degree over Evil, even if it is only the person experiencing the Evil not succumbing to it while all else around her crumbles. 
​          I watch or read these stark stories to remember not to give up, for the thread of justice will one day be a river. (Amos 5:24)  And, I remember that He will not give up until all of creation is reconciled to Himself. (Col. 1:20)
        I also read stories like Anne Of Green Gables that have quotes such as this describing the beauty of a hearth-fire, “Anne was….gazing into that joyous glow where the sunshine of a hundred summers was being distilled from the maple cordwood.” (238). When I hear beauty described so acutely, I can see it and feel the warmth of those golden, summer rays hitting my soul.  In these moments, I find His Beauty breaking through the veil between this world and the one beyond.  I, also, hear it in music, behold it in nature’s majesty, and love to read it in words like these that drip with wonder and grace.
          Beauty speaks to me and lets me know that there is something beyond the harshness of life.  Wonder glistens with truth, and I cannot look away.  One day (if we are in Christ), the magic we glimpse here—the effortless and wordless beauty of His creatures, creation, and Story—will inhabit our souls completely.  I need this reminder, too—that there is much more to come!
          And, then there is the ultimate Story that I swim in daily—His Story.  It, too, is full of both the unflinching reality of the world we live in with all its horrors and sin as well as glimpses of pure wonder that take our breath away with their grace, joy, and all that is to come.  Christianity lives in the “both/and” reality of what the world is and what is coming.  It tells the truth about the world and its broken followers, but it is always reminding us of the Kingdom to come with its amazing, triumphant, yet servant King—Jesus, whose name literally means, “God saves.”
       Jesus is woven in every story of the Bible and is writing Himself in our own story if we let Him.  Sometimes, I am good at that and invite Him in, but there are rooms of fear and sin that I struggle to open to Him still.  I am a work in progress that won’t be finished until I see Him face-to-face, but His Story will eventually be written in every corner of my being, wrapping every atom of my existence in His righteousness and glory. 
         So, I persist in my love of story—seeing His great Story behind every good one.  As you listen, read, and remember, seek out stories that remind you of Him, too.  May we be found in the amazing tale He is weaving, living out our callings and His love to one another.  And, as we do, we will be living signs of the Story to come!