As a little girl, I dwelt in the goodness of God, and between Him and me, there is a shimmering joy and magic I will never get over.  In my deepest parts, I know His goodness, and in His glorious hope, I remain.   Yet, life is so incredibly hard this side of heaven sometimes, and it so often wrecks me.  Gradually, we awaken to the reality of the darkness that walks so heavily and intimately beside us, too.
     Because of the Fall, the broken in our world and ourselves travels with us as we walk with Him.  In this melding of His sovereignty and the free will of humanity, I both wrestle with and wait upon Him.  
      There is a song we sing at church that reminds me of these questions.  It is one of my favorite, modern worship songs, and it is called, “Goodness Of God.”  Its words truly bring me into beholding, rejoicing in, and remembering the unending goodness of our God.  But, when I sing it, I also remember those who are singing after they have lost a spouse, child, friend, or are in the midst of serious health and/or life battles.  Remembering that they are singing of His goodness while carrying trauma, loss, and struggle has been such a call to me in my own.
      Psalm 23 has become a blessed rope I hold onto amidst these questions.  It considers and acknowledges the dark we battle so fiercely, yet it calls us to rest, to hold onto His Presence, and to a feast before our enemies as we do.  These callings both shake me to my core and reduce me to a puddle of awe and relief.
      I haven’t mined every good gift in this Psalm, but here are a few God is using to shape me...
     His Rest—God will give us rest.  What goodness, what stunning goodness this promise is.  Somehow, He will provide it. Psalm 23:2— “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.”  Sometimes, He will make us rest, sometimes He will lead us to it.  May we not resist Him but drink in such ministry from Him— for He longs to “restore” our souls (Ps. 23:3). 
    His Presence—He will be near in every moment and reality we face, even in the shadows and valleys of death.  Ps. 23:4— “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.”  We will struggle and face agony, but we will not be alone.  He will never abandon us-- ever, ever, ever….ever.
      His Feast—Despite all, He will provide a table for us to feast amidst our enemies. Ps. 23:5- “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.”  God will anoint us, bless us, fill us up, provide a place of respite for us in the very midst of evil in our lives.  How can that be?!!  I do not know, but it is.  It is, and this goodness we will witness in the midst of those who long for our downfall-- especially our biggest enemy, the evil one-- will carry us in such struggle.
     I want to remember these truths and pray them over others as we face the dark.  For those I sing with in spirit and faith through heartbreak, loss, and desolation— I pray, lament, mourn and pray some more for them to rest in Him, know His Presence, and to find a table of refreshing in their darkest places.  Moreover, in the last verse in this Psalm, God promises that “surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (6).  My prayer is for His goodness and mercy to fall upon them in these most desperate and desert places.  As He promised Israel through the prophet Isaiah (43:19)— “I will make a way in the wilderness.”  I pray for God to make such a way in the desolate wilderness, as only He can do- thank You, Jesus, for the cross and empty tomb!
     And, in my darkest places, I am finding the goodness He promises in these words, too.  He promised it for every day of our lives as verse 6 promises.  Even in the dark, He is there with us.  It can be such a costly discovery because the pains are deep, but I continue to see Him lead me, even in my fledgling and weak faith, to a table laden with a feast in the very Presence of God.  For, He is our Manna and the Water from which we will never thirst. Hallelujah!!
     May we find the goodness of God covering us in every way and in every abundance and sorrow, the very Presence of our God in our midst. And, may we be found praising His goodness to us, especially for the gift of His Son- the Redeemer of every moment and season of our lives.
 

      Besides suffering, one of the hardest callings we have is to wait.  Though I often stubbornly resist, when I do wait, I see Him able to move more freely and powerfully in my life.  Even so, I still find the discipline of waiting to be a constant struggle. 
     Myriad forces hinder our waiting.  In our everyday lives, we are accustomed to getting things quickly—we have running water, microwaves, instant access to information, etc.  And, in our inner worlds, we are also similarly expectant.  If we work hard enough, we believe we can achieve our dreams.  In a way, we sometimes are convinced we deserve to get things easily because we have lived with these conveniences and seen such successes in our lives. 
     Then, we face something that is not easily accessible or that we cannot work into fulfillment.  We begin to realize that life does not always work out in the ways we envision, even when we try hard.  Sometimes, we do get what we want quickly, but often, He gives us what we need…slowly. 
     And, it is the slowly that really hurts.  It hurts because we often want what we want at whatever cost, even if it costs us His leading and covering.  
    To wait means to surrender, and surrendering is an achingly difficult business.  The relinquishing of our plans and our pride is akin to losing a limb.  It is life-altering.  When we lay ourselves down in this way, we are forever marked.
     The struggle began, just like almost everything, in the Garden.  Eve had a trust problem first.  She did not believe God’s plans were truly good for her.  So, she decided not to wait on God but manufacture good on her own.  She, so often like us, did not like the slow of God’s holy work in her life.  I am just like Eve too often.  
     This past year, I had a situation happen in which I wanted to share a perspective with someone about a sensitive cultural situation.  I felt the need to do it, and I did it, but I had not waited.  I had not prayed enough before I moved—I just went.  
     My husband often humorously calls me a “rhino” because I get this fierce focus and just will plow anything (and sadly sometimes anyone) down that gets in my way.  This dogged quality can be a blessing when operating under the Spirit’s direction.  He made me with a spirit that does not stop or give up, but it is His to use, not mine.  When I use it in my power, it can become a battering ram that leaves hurt in its wake.  The “rhino” in me struggles mightily to wait for wisdom, wait for prayer, wait for Him.
     So, when this situation happened, I had to circle back, apologize, and humble myself before God and the person because I had not waited.  The issue I brought up respectfully is not one I regret or would take back, but I should have waited and had Him direct me in the right timing of it.
     In the slowing and surrendering, even in my sin, He began to work.  I had allowed Him the sacred space of leading my life.  My goal, though, is to do that more on the front end of situations and not the back end.  I want to walk with Him humbly, slowly, quietly, while listening intently, so that I know when it is I need to stand meekly and when to be quiet.  
     As I look in Scripture, I see the discipline of waiting woven throughout the Old and the New Testaments.  The Psalmist often encourages his listeners to wait on the Lord—the word “wait” is mentioned 23 times in the Psalms.   And, Isaiah wrote of it often.  Listen to Isaiah in the 64th chapter, verse 4, “Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him.”  And, in the New Testament, we are “waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ…” (Titus 2:13)  
     The posture of waiting is written all over His pages, but it is a mold into which we often must be poured, for we do not take its shape easily.  God is eager to meet us in our waiting, but the rub is to wait first so that we can be met!
     So, in this fast, accessible world we live in, may we stop, listen, beseech, submit…wait.  I humbly invite you and myself to increase the rhythm of waiting in our souls, for “they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)