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Worry, Hard-Fought Faith, and Coronavirus

3/24/2020

20 Comments

 
        So, ever since I was a little girl, I have been afraid of death.  I just remember being eerily aware of the danger of the world ever since I was very young.  This was not due to my childhood. I had a wonderful family and still do.  That I am even somewhat normal is due to them, I know, because God loved me so well through them. 
         My Mom has told me stories about my desire to wash my hands until they were raw because of germs.  How I knew about germs, I am not sure, but I picked it up along the way.  Also, I lived in a small town, and that smallness connects you with death because you are close to everyone.  We had our fair share of deaths, and I was close to most who passed.  Life circumstances and my innate fears seemed to whisper to me from the beginning.  Worry became a companion on my journey.
         In short, the prospect of death and its eventual imminence is something I think about, am cognizant of, and can worry about it (if I let myself) daily.
         So, enter the Coronavirus now-- you can imagine my level of crazy on the inside.  Oh my!  I just got back from Disneyland a few weeks ago and wore gloves during the rides the entire time I was there.  Yes, I was “that girl” because that was the only way I was able to get through it and enjoy myself and not make those around me miserable (at least, I hope)!
         As this pandemic closes in around the world, our country, and me, I am saddened, horrified, and, often, terrified.  All my fellow germaphobes are shouting out with me right now, and those who are anxious about such things understand my worry.
         Yet, despite all this crazy found in me and around me, God has placed a joy in Him that never goes away either.  This joy bubbles up and my face is smiling now even as I write it.  Nehemiah said that “the joy of the Lord is your strength,” (8:10) and that is a testimony that I give.  The delight I find in Him-- in worship, song, being His vessel where He calls me, in walking with Him—is truly breathtaking.  When He whooshes through me with His Holy Fire, I am undone and able to stand breathlessly in Him.
      In the midst of this see-sawing fear and joy is the battle for my faith over fear.  I face it daily and sometimes minutely.  I fight ferociously.  Despite my many frailties and doubts, I cannot deny the One who has called me by name, made me His own by His blood.  I love Him forever.  Still, how that fleshes out is hard for those of us who struggle in the grip of fear.  The difficulty of this battle is worth it, though.
         This is how I fight. 
         First, I go to His Word.  It is a daily source of renewal and adjustment. Often the lies from the world and the Evil One behind those filter through me throughout the day.  When I reorient myself and my mind in the Word, I am pulled near, restored, corrected.  There is no other washing that I need so much than that of the Word (Eph. 5:25).  I also daily swim in the Psalms—I immerse myself in them as if they are my oxygen.  For, as Jesus declared to the Evil One in Matt. 4:4, “… ‘It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
         Second, I spend time alone with Jesus.  Often, I visualize putting my worries in boxes and giving them to our Lord to handle.  I, also, imagine myself being held by Him and crawling up in His lap because that is truly what I need from Him.  Leaning into Him in these ways and through worship and the Word are so vital to my faith.  Like David says in Ps. 27:4-5, may I just be in Your Presence, then I will be okay! (My translation!)
Third, I have sounding boards that are wise.  I go to counseling regularly to process my life, and this helps me manage my anxiety. I have found it so helpful to process with someone else, to clarify, and to be present in this way.  Not only that, I have relationships with my family, friends, and husband that keep me grounded.  They provide perspective when I may be going a bit too far because of my fears.
         Fourth, I am part of the Body of Christ.  Though we cannot gather currently, the many years of gathering together still infuse my dry bones with life!  And, the Body is not bound by the church’s walls, thankfully, and we are still finding ways to connect and walk through this together.  I cannot tell you how much I love being a part of His Body!  Drawing strength from one another, leaning on others’ shining faith when I’m faltering, coming together in our frailties at the Cross of Christ—it is a joy like no other. 
       Fifth, I look to the Gospel and the Cross.  In these trying times of a new pandemic (my absolute worst germaphobe nightmare!), it has taken me a bit to reorient myself here.  Because of my struggles, I have been in survival mode while taking this all in.  I am slowly looking to His hand at work here and seeing where He is moving.  I know He hates evil and the sadness of sickness, for Eden was our true home and to Eden we are headed again.  But, even in the darkest of moments, He is near and is redeeming through it. I see Him when I see others praying, giving, carrying their crosses, and serving through these harrowing times.  My hope is that many awaken to Him, too, for when we face evil, much is clarified for us—what really matters and what does not.
         Sixth, I believe that God’s blood can cover my weaknesses.  I fail often in so many areas, but in this one, I am an epic failure.  I will never forget when I first read that worry was a sin!  Yet, there is nothing like abject weakness to remind us of our need for a Savior.  And, in this truth, I give myself grace.  This world is hard for natures like mine—sometimes I feel as if I cannot handle the evil that exists here in my own soul and in the world.  And, I know I am not alone-- if that is you, I see you and am with you in spirit.  Yet, on the opposite side, some of you are just like, “We got this. God is big enough for this. I’m not afraid.”  I LOVE that, but it is not what first comes to my mind at this moment even though I believe God is big enough, too.  Yet, still, God has called me His own and will get me to say that over time, even if mine is a quiet whisper next to someone’s roar.  Honestly, I have felt Him telling me that He knows what it costs me even to get there—our costly faith pleases Him as we take up our crosses even when we don’t want to.  Jesus shares in Luke 9:23—“And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.’”  And, for my fearless friends, whatever their weakness, He knows what it costs them to have faith in other areas.
        Lastly, I pray and reach out where I can.  Prayer keeps me connected to my Abba Father, for without this connection, I will always falter.  It also lets me love my neighbors so powerfully.  Prayer is a work I can do for anyone at anytime; it is such a wonderful way to love someone tangibly.  I also pray against the Evil One and that he would be stopped in his effort to hurt humanity, for he hates those who bear God’s image.  We must battle him through prayer.  Prayer is the most effective weapon we have in our fight for faith, for others, and against fear.  Ephesians 6:12, 18—“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms….. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”  May we be found on our knees more and more.
         So, wherever you are on the worry/anxiety scale, I encourage you to fight with me in the struggle against fear and worry.  It is okay to feel your feelings, but we must preach ourselves the Truth, too.  God is faithful and will be with us.  And, if you are reading this and are not a follower of Jesus, I invite you to follow Him today.  Just believe.  John 3:16—“ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”  If you became His disciple right now, please contact me anytime, and I will help as you move forward in faith.
         Love and peace to you all from this weak, broken, needy, sinner sister who is strong, healed, upheld, and redeemed because of her Lord Jesus! 
 
 

 

20 Comments
Peggy Jo Sirwet
3/24/2020 01:51:24 pm

Thank you for reminding us all where our strength comes from Amy! I too deal with anxiety and this post hits home on so many levels. Praying for strength and discernment as we navigate these unknown waters. Blessings to you sister.

Reply
Amy
3/24/2020 01:58:01 pm

Thanks so much, Peggy. I feel you-- it is such a difficult season. I am with you in spirit, and God is with us both and all. Love to you!!

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Barbara Gunter
3/24/2020 02:09:32 pm

Thank you so much I really needed that at this time. You always bless my heart thank you for encouraging and enlightening my day. Love you God bless😊💕

Reply
Amy
3/25/2020 07:19:58 pm

Thanks so much, dear Barb. I love you so much!! We will all hang in together with the Lord! :)

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Pamela Medley
3/24/2020 03:30:57 pm

Oh the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God.
Love you Yahweh's Songbird and thanking God for your heart that is open to His leading🤗♥️🙏🙌🙌🙌

Reply
Amy
3/25/2020 07:20:57 pm

Thank you, Pam!! Yes, He loves us so well and so completely. Love you!!

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Heidi Hopkins
3/24/2020 05:46:14 pm

Love this Amy. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing Gods strength in your weakness, and not only how He is still glorified, but also how He loves us even still. Hugs dear sister in Christ.

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Dianne Hartzell
3/24/2020 09:32:54 pm

I love your comments and its all so open and full of truth,, Thank you,,God bless your sweet wonderful spirit . You bless us Amy,,,May God continue to lead you ,guide you , and comfort you,,what a special obedient servant you are,, Love, Dianne

Reply
Amy
3/25/2020 07:23:21 pm

Thank you, wonderful Dianne!! You are such an encouragement to me and so many. I appreciate and love you so!! Love always in our Jesus-- Amy :)

Amy Gerak
3/25/2020 07:22:29 pm

Thank you for sharing in this! You are one of my teachers in studying how to trust God in the midst of hard.❤ I am so thankful, too, that He loves us in our strengths and weaknesses and everywhere in between! :)

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Lori Falk
3/25/2020 11:35:05 am

I love you so much Amy.....your heart is a beacon for so many! Thank you for sharing your most "raw" feelings, allowing us to see your weakness, all while giving the glory to the Lord. You are a real blessing in so many lives.

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Amy
3/25/2020 07:27:16 pm

Thank you so much, dear Lori!! You are a beacon to me watching you walk over your own mountains with such faith and grace. Thank you for journeying with me. I love you and your family so much!!

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Melissa Plane
3/25/2020 03:45:26 pm

Amy, this particular post really speaks to me. I envy the way you can transfer your fears and worry to faith. Our family is currently enduring a year long storm, and I pray, but I worry so much more that my chest aches. Reading your steps encourages me to spend my days of quarantine and away from school in the word. I have a Psalms study laying on my desk waiting for me. I know He’s waiting for me to give it ALL to him, you make it sound so easy, though I know it’s the most difficult thing you do. I too have been a worrier since I can remember. I would worry so much about future situations, I made myself sick. Not much has changed. I have a strong faith, but it’s buried in excuses. I’m going to read this post again, and again. Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed these words, this testimony, this honesty and grace. ❤️

Reply
Amy
3/25/2020 07:46:45 pm

Melissa, Thank you so very much for sharing your heart. I am with you in this completely. This is so hard for me, too. I am so weak, but I thank God that He is so strong. And, some days I do this way better than others, that is for sure. But, He is slowly moving me through it with my battle plan, even when I have bad moments or days. I know He will do it for us both. Also, I can so relate about your chest hurting. I first entered counseling after my heart issues (these are almost completely healed now) gave me such anxiety that my chest hurt all the time and I couldn't sleep. I totally can relate and am here with you in it-- sitting in spirit with you.....I will be praying for you, too We need each other so desperately in these times. And, if you ever need a sounding board, you have one in me. Finding others in the world who are like us and knowing we are not alone in our struggles is so healing. Just FB PM me for my phone number. Love to you and peace from our Jesus, Amy

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Deb Lowery
3/25/2020 04:21:30 pm

Thank you for being so open with us about your fears and source of strength, Amy.
This world isn’t our home and until we get there with our Lord, it’s not a safe place apart from his living arms.
Love your eternal perspective.

Reply
Amy
3/25/2020 07:48:30 pm

This is so true and the crux of my struggle!! Working daily to remember that He is my Safety and nothing else. Love you, dear Deb!!

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Lillian Ostendorf
3/27/2020 01:39:32 pm

Love you girl. Thanks for your great blog, I am there with you.

Reply
Amy
3/28/2020 03:19:21 pm

With you, too, wonderful Lillian...

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Lis Rodriguez
3/30/2020 06:53:12 am

Amos - thank you for sharing your honest, BRAVE vulnerabilities during this time. You're strong in faith and loved my so many!!! OXO

Reply
Amy
4/6/2020 09:14:34 pm

Thank you, dear friend! Your bravery and love are such comforts and lights in my life!! Love you so!!

Reply



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    Amy Saylor Gerak-- Idea Wrestler, Mama, Musician, Wife, Friend, Daughter and Sister

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