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The Prayer That Is Changing Me

1/18/2017

12 Comments

 
                Prayer is always, always changing me, but there has been a certain prayer crawling through my soul lately, challenging some of the small spaces in my spirit.  In Rebecca Konyndyk DeYoung’s book, Glittering Vices, she introduced me to a word I have never known—pusillanimity, which means “smallness of soul.” (9)  What a profound phrase that encapsulates the deepest battles of who we are fighting to be. 
              The shapes of my soul’s smallness are many.  As I look at the vices in that book, I pretty much can find them all in the back corners and darker rooms of my soul.  But, there is one that God has been really working on lately—its name is envy.
                 This is one of those vices that embarrasses me most because as someone who hates pettiness, this sin unmistakably reeks of it.  Yet, it lives in me.  And, as De Young writes, “The bottom line for the envious is how they stack up against others, because they measure their self-worth comparatively.” (44)  This is so true.  Sometimes, when I look at others in admiration, it turns to envy, and I feel comparison’s gong ringing through my soul.  It is then that I can cross over into sin’s darkness.
               So, I have begun to pray on my knees to fight this darkness when it comes.  The prayer I pray is for His glory to abound more and more, especially in others.  I ask that His work in them to be great so that He may be glorified even more.  As I do, I begin to hunger for His glory above all else, rejoicing in His movement everywhere and in everyone instead of worrying about myself.  As John said, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” (3:30) 
                It is a hard prayer, for my selfishness breathes just as strongly as Eve’s did in her garden.  But, as I submit, I am tasting His freedom.  It is a posture I am growing in, and I don’t always do it perfectly or as sincerely as I want.  Still, it is changing me, nonetheless, this wanting more of God and more for others than myself.
                   So, when envy comes to call, what will we do?  When we see someone more successful at our field in worldly terms, when we see God’s unmistakable voice in another and wish for it in ours, when we see someone who has a more “perfect” family than ours, when we look at those who are the great influencers and wonder about our own place in the world, what response will we have? 
                   I pray you will join me in praying that God will be glorified and abound more and more in everyone we see.   And, may we not compare ourselves to others but rejoice in the God-reflection that is in us each.  As De Young says, “From a secure sense of God’s love and life-giving power, untainted by the envier’s conditional and comparative lens, we can see the right way to follow Paul’s admonition to ‘in humility regard others as better than yourselves.’” (57) 
                 Matthew records these words from Jesus—“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (16:24-25)  As we carry our own crosses and watch others carry theirs, my hope is that we would not tarry over them--how big or small they are, what a wide or narrow road they walk, or if theirs has less splinters than ours.  Instead, may we be found simply and faithfully carrying our cross while wholeheartedly encouraging and rejoicing with others as they carry theirs. 
                  And, as our personal kingdoms fall away, our anxious, worried grip of insecurity will loosen.  We will, then, be able to revel and rest in the God-ness we find in His people—shouting our joy at His movement in them!!  The painful, beautiful practice of humility will lead us into rejoicing at His amazing movement through us all—gasping at the grace of God that He even allows us to be part of His workings here on earth.  God, grant us mercy upon mercies to do just this. Hallelujah and hallelujah.

12 Comments
Rachel Moore
1/18/2017 08:39:57 pm

You my wonderful, Godly friend are such an inspiration! Beautiful in so many way. Love you. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am totally on the same pay, Envy is such a bother😆💞

Reply
Amy
1/19/2017 08:33:26 am

Thanks so much, sweet friend! So glad to journey and fight this together, rejoicing at His work wherever we find it!

Reply
Linda Cook
1/18/2017 09:33:38 pm

Rachel, that is so true!!
Amy, you are such an inspiration and I must admit that I too struggle with envy in so many ways. You have such a sweet, sweet spirit and kindness that is so contagious. Thank you, dear friend for your ministry in words and in song!!

Reply
Amy
1/19/2017 08:34:36 am

Thanks so much, Linda! You instruct me in so many ways-- your faith is so beautiful to me!! So good to know we are not alone in this struggle. Love you so!

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Kathy Lambert
1/19/2017 06:17:13 am

Amy, so well said. I have struggled with comparison. Thinking I just didn't measure up. I'll be praying this. ❤

Reply
Amy
1/19/2017 08:35:56 am

Thanks so much, Kathy. I am with you in this and will keep praying it, too. So good to journey together. In Our Jesus...

Reply
Tracy
1/19/2017 03:16:14 pm

Amy, This to is one of my biggest struggles. I pray everyone I have any envious thoughts and wonder why did I just think that. Then pray for my sin. Thank you what a way to put it in words. Thank you.

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Amy
1/19/2017 04:37:48 pm

Amen and amen. So grateful to fight this struggle together!!

Reply
Joanna Christopher
1/20/2017 07:15:38 am

As usual, your words touch my heart and remind me of my own struggle with envy and comparison. I am so grateful for your sweet spirit and willingness to share how God works in your life so that others may grow, as well.

Reply
Amy
1/20/2017 02:47:46 pm

Just so touched anyone would take the time to read it, so thank you for taking precious time out of your busy day to do so!! So glad to journey with you-- I learn so much from you! :)

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(Chaplain) Debra-Diane McDonnell
2/27/2017 12:40:44 pm

Precious Daughter of God, You show us all how to live unabashedly for the Lord. Envy is a word with a not-so-good connotation, since it means we desire something for ourselves that we see in someone else. Yet all we need to do is remind ourselves that we are already gifted by our God with the attributes and traits He placed in us; those things that we alone can use and do for others. We are His daughters, made in His image, like a multi-faceted diamond; different, but still in His image. We need only trust Him and know that we are part of His plan and continue to use our own unique gifts; when blended with those gifts of others, its amazing what we can create together!

Reply
Amy
3/3/2017 08:05:46 pm

So true, Miss Debra-Diane! Love His movement in you! :)

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    Amy Saylor Gerak-- Idea Wrestler, Mama, Musician, Wife, Friend, Daughter and Sister

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