Prayer is always, always changing me, but there has been a certain prayer crawling through my soul lately, challenging some of the small spaces in my spirit.  In Rebecca Konyndyk DeYoung’s book, Glittering Vices, she introduced me to a word I have never known—pusillanimity, which means “smallness of soul.” (9)  What a profound phrase that encapsulates the deepest battles of who we are fighting to be. 
              The shapes of my soul’s smallness are many.  As I look at the vices in that book, I pretty much can find them all in the back corners and darker rooms of my soul.  But, there is one that God has been really working on lately—its name is envy.
                 This is one of those vices that embarrasses me most because as someone who hates pettiness, this sin unmistakably reeks of it.  Yet, it lives in me.  And, as De Young writes, “The bottom line for the envious is how they stack up against others, because they measure their self-worth comparatively.” (44)  This is so true.  Sometimes, when I look at others in admiration, it turns to envy, and I feel comparison’s gong ringing through my soul.  It is then that I can cross over into sin’s darkness.
               So, I have begun to pray on my knees to fight this darkness when it comes.  The prayer I pray is for His glory to abound more and more, especially in others.  I ask that His work in them to be great so that He may be glorified even more.  As I do, I begin to hunger for His glory above all else, rejoicing in His movement everywhere and in everyone instead of worrying about myself.  As John said, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” (3:30) 
                It is a hard prayer, for my selfishness breathes just as strongly as Eve’s did in her garden.  But, as I submit, I am tasting His freedom.  It is a posture I am growing in, and I don’t always do it perfectly or as sincerely as I want.  Still, it is changing me, nonetheless, this wanting more of God and more for others than myself.
                   So, when envy comes to call, what will we do?  When we see someone more successful at our field in worldly terms, when we see God’s unmistakable voice in another and wish for it in ours, when we see someone who has a more “perfect” family than ours, when we look at those who are the great influencers and wonder about our own place in the world, what response will we have? 
                   I pray you will join me in praying that God will be glorified and abound more and more in everyone we see.   And, may we not compare ourselves to others but rejoice in the God-reflection that is in us each.  As De Young says, “From a secure sense of God’s love and life-giving power, untainted by the envier’s conditional and comparative lens, we can see the right way to follow Paul’s admonition to ‘in humility regard others as better than yourselves.’” (57) 
                 Matthew records these words from Jesus—“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (16:24-25)  As we carry our own crosses and watch others carry theirs, my hope is that we would not tarry over them--how big or small they are, what a wide or narrow road they walk, or if theirs has less splinters than ours.  Instead, may we be found simply and faithfully carrying our cross while wholeheartedly encouraging and rejoicing with others as they carry theirs. 
                  And, as our personal kingdoms fall away, our anxious, worried grip of insecurity will loosen.  We will, then, be able to revel and rest in the God-ness we find in His people—shouting our joy at His movement in them!!  The painful, beautiful practice of humility will lead us into rejoicing at His amazing movement through us all—gasping at the grace of God that He even allows us to be part of His workings here on earth.  God, grant us mercy upon mercies to do just this. Hallelujah and hallelujah.

     I had another blog planned, but there has been a heaviness in my soul lately that must come out.  So much loss and chaos has been happening in my little world and in the larger world around us. And, I just want it to stop. 
     I don’t know if anyone is equipped for these losses, but I feel so utterly bereft when grief comes.  For, pain sometimes accompanies the price of love and connection.  I am so glad to pay it because it means I have fully attached my heart to another, but it is so costly. 
     Recently, one of the communities I have chosen to journey deeply with—my church-- has experienced two incredibly painful tragedies.  The first is a young woman whose life ended through domestic violence.  Her husband lost his life that night, too, eventually.  In that moment, two little girls were left orphaned in one instant of madness, pain, and evil.  It is almost too much to take in.
     Next, a dear servant in this same community collapsed the very next week during our last session of worship at VBS.  She was a tireless, endless warrior for the evangelism of children.  She had remarked to me that week when we were serving together that “VBS was the highlight of [her] year.”  When most people are just trying to make it through the wild and wonderful craziness that is VBS, she was living life exhilarated because of it!  What a glorious testimony and what pain that we have now lost her.
     In our larger world, we have had the Baghdad, Bangladesh, and Nice murders in the last several weeks.  And, now we have the horrid tragedies happening in America clamoring around us.  And, many, many more continue to suffer around the globe, as well, because of every imaginable evil, be it starvation, rape, murder, sickness, oppression, and so on.
     With all of this, my spirit just sighs and wonders if I can keep going in the midst of this harshness, this fragility of life, this chaos, this sadness.  Sometimes, I wonder if I can keep breathing through it because the pain is so tangible and stifling.
     Can I just say that I am not okay with this?  I hate this reality of death and sin and the seeming unfairness of it all.
     Nevertheless, I am reminded that my God is not satisfied either with the way of this world.  He is not okay with this evil we live with and that we even experience in our own hearts.  His vision was Eden, and I think that my soul is long remembering it.  The imprint of His reflection on me remembers the lost Eden we came from where there was no sin, no evil, no loss, no pain, no sickness, no death.  And, I long for that home.
     There is good news, though, for God is leading us to a restored Eden, reclaiming for us what was lost when Eve chose to go her own way and misuse the freedom God gave her and Adam.  Ever since the heavens were rent apart and started groaning at that very moment, God, the great I Am, has been writing the larger story of Eden Redeemed. 
     It started with Israel’s redemption.  The gift of their Passover lamb foreshadowed the Passover Lamb to come.  “‘Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world.’” (John 1:29) Through Him-- Jesus, we found our ultimate redemption on the Cross.  Then came the Empty Tomb, where death was vanquished.  There, God rebuked all graves for their deadness and caused them to be final no more. 
     And, it is still happening today, as He leads His church, His people, to sing the song of Eden and Redemption to all those who are still struggling in this groaning, broken, beautiful land.  It is because of this, His labor for us, that we can keep breathing in the light of losing our loved ones and somehow bear the continued suffering in this world. 
     May we breathe in Him, Truth, as we walk forward day by day in the hardness of this life.  For, platitudes will never satisfy, only a Truth grounded in reality can sustain our spirits— a Truth that knows of a bloody, costly, yet victorious cross.  And, may we rest knowing that those who are in Jesus are with Him now and weep no more.  

            This idea of flesh as currency is inescapable for us all.  Its influence and reach are everywhere the eye can see.  As I have wrestled with this, I have been shattered by our incessant need for worthiness.  We tend to use whatever it is we “possess” to prove worthiness to one another.  There are so many currencies, and I will get to more of them later, but one of the most powerful is flesh.
            The human form is so utterly beautiful that it has become a currency for our world.  Its original design was made for God’s glory and for the blessing of each other.  God ordained our bodies to be one of the primary ways He moves in this world. It is in and through this temple of His (1 Corinthians 6:19-20; 12:7-27) that we are to carry out the callings He has put on our lives.  He uses physical bodies to store up our giftings, to love one another in tangible ways, and to shepherd His creation as caretakers of earthly reality. 
            After the Fall, though, we have taken this beautiful vessel and used it for our glory and gain.  Far too often, we have allowed the Evil One to transform it into a tool of his.
            Most people do not even recognize their engagement with this struggle.  It is a normalized undercurrent that only reveals itself through our trembling, exposed bodies.  If you look at most celebrities, many use some form of this currency.  Very rarely do you see someone who is overweight or average looking as a superstar.  There are definite exceptions, thankfully, but not many.  Indeed, very rarely do you see someone who stands on their talent alone—they are always dressed to draw more and more people in with their flesh.
            I, personally, am amazed that women, in particular, agree to this.  As someone who calls herself a Christian feminist (someone who believes in the inherent, equal value of women before God), I am so disheartened to see beautiful, talented women singing in their underwear or even less to make a statement.  Indeed, their talent is enough--it really is-- yet no one has told them this sweet truth.
            Not to leave out men, I see this happening with men who are obsessed with their bodies, showing off their muscles, and going tight-shirted and/or shirtless before others.  It is like they are screaming with their bodies, “See! I am worthy. I am attractive.  I matter.”   Their pain is tangible, as well.
            Then, with both sexes so tangled up in this, unbounded messiness follows.  Both are trying to use themselves as currency to get ahead in the world’s eyes as well as in romantic relationships.  Yet, flesh as currency always runs out over time; there is always someone more attractive, younger, or whose flesh is more valuable to the world.
            Indeed, thinking this way about flesh has become so prominent that it is often described by a business term-- “assets.”  An asset is most often used in the business world to describe something of value and is often monetary in nature.  We have started using the vocabulary of goods and money to describe our very flesh.  It is so wild to comprehend this once we step out of ourselves and see this phenomenon occurring!
            After all this, we are forced to ask ourselves how we are, indeed, using our flesh before others.  In my life and as a product of my culture, I am not at all immune to this, nor will I ever be.  As a young college graduate, I loved sun dresses, but they were often too short.  I had unease about it, and God slowly convicted and challenged me with these very thoughts on flesh.  From that point on, as God revealed my motives, how I mediate my flesh before the world has radically changed. 
            All that I wear has come under scrutiny now because I do not want to lead with my flesh ever again.  For me, it has affected my bathing suits, length of shorts and skirts, tightness of clothes, and depth of collars.  I am not going to tell you any hard and fast rules on this because there are none—some people might think I am not modest enough even though I may be considered overly modest by others.  What I will say is—look at your heart and how that is reflected in what you are wearing.  Are you leading with your flesh or not? 
            I also want to mention our current obsession with our bodies in the exercise arena.  I have no problem with high-impact, endurance sports such as triathlons or Crossfit and all sports in general.  But, what I will say is unless these activities are done in light of Him, they can lead to imbalance and focus us inordinately on our body and its individual strength.  That focus can then become obsession that leads to an unhealthy body currency.
            Instead, our bodies should be the place that we cherish and keep healthy because it is one of the most powerful vehicles of His love to the world.  Exercise should be a way that we honor God by making our bodies capable of performing His callings and service through us.  Thus, for those gifted and called to sports and body development, may it be for the purpose of growing faith and endurance, knowing that none of us are powerful and strong except that He alone has given us the will (and maybe the genetics) to be.  And, may our bodily strength be poured out for Him and not for attention.   
            Bottom line, the gift of flesh is powerful and can be used in mighty ways.  It is my heart’s desire that we contemplate how we use it and how that is blessing God and others.  Ultimately, my hope is that when we walk away from someone, it will not be our flesh they remember.  Instead, may it be the tangible fragrance of the One who formed us. (Genesis 2:7-8)  As Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians, “But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of Him everywhere.” (2:14)
            Lastly, flesh is only one of many, many currencies we all utilize.  I think intelligence, parenting, spirituality, and job success are just some of the many other currency forms we struggle with when encountering people.  Flesh may not be one that you really are bothered by, but you may secretly really want everyone to think you are the smartest person in the room.  Or, maybe you want every other family to envy your parenting skills and successful kids? Maybe you are too proud of your newest promotion?  Maybe you are so excited by the money in your investment and bank accounts—if only the world could see what you have?  Maybe you are proud of your “I can never be shaken” faith and how spiritual you are?  The list is endless.
            What is it for you?  What is your currency?  What do you use to prove your worthiness to others?  These are questions that I am constantly wrestling with in an effort not to posture before the world but to be totally and simply Amy whose identity is found in Jesus Christ.  All of the unique qualities that make up “me” are simply vessels for His working in the world through me.  Paul reminds us in Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  Whatever it is that I “do” or “possess,” it is all to be poured out before Him and is ultimately His anyway.
            At the end of the day, if your/my identity is wrapped up in any other currency than His, we are heading for a bankruptcy of spirit.  As much as we can and are able, may we not use any currency except that of our brokenness, our humility, and the sole claim we have in the greatness of our Savior, Jesus—His life, death, and resurrection.  May He be what we leave to all we meet.     

Lately, we have lived some very difficult times in our family.  My mother-in-law finally lost her fight against lung cancer this past month after having battled for about 1 1/2 years.  It has been immeasurably hard to let her go, yet we have had peace in the valley because of her love for Jesus and His ministry to our grieving souls.  With that, we have travelled and mourned and had much upheaval of time, place, and heart. 
 
This month has had much joy in it, as well, for my children just turned 9—the ones I did not know if ever would come.  They were much longed for, prayed for, and hoped for.  My sweet mom also celebrated her birthday this month.  The celebrations have been many, joyous, and chaotic! 
 
Outside of these events, life has just been very busy with scheduling and fullness—all good, but it has been fast, fast, fast.  As our children have gotten older, more activities have come and paces have surged forward.  For you, my friends reading this, I am sure there is much going on in your world, too—jobs, callings, loss of loved ones, family shepherding/parenting, births, chores, aching struggles, fun times with friends, and so forth.
 
For me, the hectic pace of life often ends up assaulting my body in harsh ways.  Last night, in bed, my anxiety was at full throttle as I felt the plates in my heart and life spinning, and I was so overwhelmed. I was praying and praying, yet my body had taken off.  The adrenaline had already shot through my veins, and my heart was racing (even while on a betablocker!).  I was working at staying calm through prayer—trying not to let myself panic while my body was out of control.
 
As all of this life has been happening, God has been weaving the concept of Sabbath into my soul. There has not been much room for Sabbath in my life these days, and that is okay for a time.  Sometimes, life demands that we be present in ways that push, pull, and require our every last ounce of being.  But, that reality cannot stay forever.  Sabbath is built into the very fabric of our souls.  Yahweh, our Maker and the Creator, Himself, rested on the seventh day of creation.  Since we are so wondrously made in His image, we, too, must Sabbath.
 
In the Ten Commandments, God says that “…the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.” (Exodus 20:11)  It is a blessed and sacred part of our relationship with Him.  Beyond that, it is a witness between us.  Hear what He says to the Israelites in Exodus 31:17--“ It will be a sign between me and the Israelites forever, for in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, and on the seventh day he rested and was refreshed.’”  Our God knew we needed this restful discipline to refresh us and to give witness to His love.
 
Jesus, the One Who Sabbathed perfectly on this earth, reminded the teachers of the law that “…the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27)  God always meant for it to bless us and also to teach us the reverence of stopping our agendas so that we might remember Him and seek after His.  The Hebrew word for Sabbath literally means, “cease, desist.” (Vines)  It is so hard to cease in our fast-paced world, for our strivings, victories, and worries distract us mightily.
 
I do not know all the reasons why God has allowed me to battle anxiety so severely, but I do know that it forces me to Sabbath.  I literally start breaking down inwardly and outwardly if I do not practice Sabbath in my life.  In this, I am so grateful for God’s redeeming my weakness to draw me closer to Him.    
 
Beyond His work over my anxiety, He has breathed Sabbath over my parenting, marriage, the daily grind of living, in my callings, and beyond.  Here are some of the ways I Sabbath with Him—looking out a window and really seeing His handiwork, watching/reading visual and redemptive stories, having regular breaks in my leading of worship, sitting down and doing nothing for a time, going on a date with my husband, having fun with my children, ceasing from my agendas and productivity, not listening to all the podcasts I’d like so that there is silence in my spirit, calling a friend, relishing and experiencing colors and beauty, and many more.  All of these are little, restful breaths of Him that help restore my soul. 
 
Finally, my very best times of Sabbath are when I take time to get alone with Jesus and commune intentionally and fervently with Him.  Only then do I enter most deeply into that rare and holy rest found in the heart of Sabbath.    
 
I pray that we would cultivate more and more Sabbath in our busy lives.  May we rest in Him so that we can boldly live out our callings before Him in His strength and not our own.  May we rest, be refreshed, and drink of Him.  May we be a people who Sabbath.

The second son he [Joseph] named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”  Gen. 41:52

I was sitting in a Beth Moore Bible study when God rattled me with this verse.  It has been inside of me before, but it hadn’t been in my soul lately.  Since then, it hasn’t really left.

I think why this struck me so powerfully is because of how painful suffering truly is.  The pain we encounter personally and through others contends against this verse’s truth, trying to tamp it out and swallow it whole.  We often wonder like David did in Psalm 13 if God has forgotten us because the hardship is so great.  We wonder how anyone can survive this world and its brokenness.

 When Jesus faced the darkest night of His soul, He humbly asked that it might pass but then went on to pray the most amazing, costly, holy prayer I have ever heard—“not My will, but Thine be done.”  (Luke 22:42)  In so doing, He showed us how much He trusted His Father’s faithfulness to carry Him through the gaping evil coming after Him.  In the midst of His trial, He opened Himself up in complete vulnerability to the capable hands of His Father.  

But during our suffering, we typically can be found in fetal positions trying desperately to banish any and every hurt from our lives.  It is very hard for us to be vulnerable and open to even God during these times.  The idea of letting Him work in our pain causes us to sweat our own drops of blood.

I have been in some rather wicked lands of suffering just like you have.  That is one thing that unites us all—we live together in this brokenness.  We all bear the burden of Adam and Eve’s taste of sin in the Garden.  Though God’s common grace upholds us all and reveals so much of His beauty still, we all share a common table of sin and its fallout—a world with sickness, death, and temptation. 

Nevertheless (such a faith-filled word), He has not left us at that table.  Redemption sprang forth right after that loss in our Garden.  As He tenderly clothed his wayward children, His restoration had begun.  And over time, He called out a people to show His grace and reveal His mercy and truth, lighting up the whole world with His witness through them.  As He promised to Abraham, the entire earth would be blessed because of the people coming through him (Gen. 12:3); God wanted to redeem not just the Israelites but all people from the very beginning.

Measure upon measure of redemption—the law, the covenants, nature itself with its cycle of  death and resurrection among myriad other graces of restoration— have come.  But, none compare to His Son.  Immanuel—God with us—Who came to be the Lamb for our Passover.  Now, those of us in Christ have been passed over; death can no longer hold us because it did not hold Him.  This is how much God can do through suffering—conquer sin, vanquish death—literally save… the… world.

In the end, we have to face whether we are willing to open ourselves up to our Father, just as Jesus did, to bear fruit in the midst of our own wanderings and devastated lands.  Are we willing to let everything be redeemed— or are there pockets in our spirits we are not willing to open up to His work?  Are we able to trust that His redemptive power is big enough for every evil—internal and external-- we encounter? 

As I have wrestled with this, I want to journey in a way that lets Him rain havoc in my darknesses—both the ones I harbor and the ones with which the Evil One attacks me.  May Yahweh God plow, till, and transform every darkness, planting seeds of hope, redemption, restoration, and peace where once there was stronghold, sin, attack, siege.  May we follow our example and Savior, Jesus— learning, yielding, and allowing Yahweh to bear in us the fragrant, costly fruit that can be reaped in the crucible of every trial. 

But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:10-11)

 

 

Blog Philosophy and Living Life

Hi Everyone, I am really ready to start this blog now! :)  I have been waiting to feel His leading for the timing of all things.   It is so best when I wait and do not rush head-long into things, as I am prone to do! My husband calls me Rhino (most of the time with affection) for a reason.  I tend to be dogged when I put my mind/heart into something!

So, it is time.  :)  I wanted to let you know that I will not be writing every week just to write every week. I will be writing when I feel led to write and have something to say. I, personally, have stopped following people because they write every day, and I just do not have the time to read every day!!  And, I really just want to read other’s stuff when they feel burdened to write, not because they want to keep their name out there or keep generating buzz.  I long to listen to real stuff, not generated material! In that spirit, I will be blogging the same way—when I can’t not write about something and only then. :)

Beyond that, I know how incredibly precious your time is and truly value spending time sharing hearts this way. Thanks for taking the time when you can to sit and share.  I look forward to doing that with you, and when you can’t, I praise God that we are both living our lives and are too busy!

That leads me to my next point—I love, love, love how our digital connectedness can keep us interacting in beautiful, meaningful, and long-reaching ways.  I would not be writing this blog nor reading others if I didn’t! But, I always want to remember to be living life in the flesh with the real-live people around me, especially the very ones God has given me to serve and shepherd in my own home and heart.  The balance is tricky, but I refuse to be tied to some type of digital device as my main way of loving people and being loved by them.   So, I purpose to live life and be present, all the while trying to stay connected in healthy ways to this medium called the internet/social media/etc. that gives us small/large ways to love on one another. 

Finally, I want to warn you that I will be writing about intense stuff as well as not-as-intense stuff.  No matter what, I pray that even if you disagree with me, you will know that I am someone who welcomes your ideas and thoughts, even if we disagree.  I love the people who let me be me and seek to understand even when we disagree.  I am committed to being that person, as well.  :)

Much love—Amy :)

And, so it begins—this blog of mine!  Let me amend that-- I hope it is truly His more than mine! I know I won’t be channeling His words, of course, but I pray that His Spirit will guide and direct me in all my ways as I begin this way of sharing.

And, for any of you that join me that are not followers of Jesus, welcome.  I talk about Him a lot because He is just so a part of who I am; I cannot separate us.  I ask you to come as you are, as well, and let us journey and share the ways of our lives.

I have not always been comfortable entering the blog space world because I didn’t know if I had much to say that was not already being said.  Still, I simply feel called to enter the conversation about life and reality in a more public way. 

I have an insatiable hunger to know God, know other people’s souls, and to interact with the world regarding truth, reality, ideas and such.  I cannot stop trying to understand God, the world, other people, my kiddos, the Cosmos, the Middle East, politics, how to be a better Mama and friend, and the list goes on!!!! 

Thus, I am an idea wrestler.  I cannot stop wrestling with ideas and their fruits.  Ideas are what make everything happen in the world—every human is living out a set of ideas, be they true or not.  What we believe, we act out in our daily life.  Ideas are so very, very important; we need to understand the ones we live by and what ideas those around us live by.

Here is to a lifetime of wrestling. J